My Boyfriend’s Family Taught Me How to Communicate with My Own Parents
Pulling away
Five years ago, I graduated from college and moved to a giant, busy city in East China for my first job out of school. I was half a country away and all alone. However, I didn’t feel sad leaving home because I was submerged by the excitement of being able to discover all kinds of fun out there. Besides, I didn’t really feel connected with my parents at the time — I didn’t know when it all started, but I felt that there was a glass wall between us. They did not understand me. It seemed difficult for me to communicate with them, and my major activities at home became watching TV and staring at my phone.
I still loved them very much, but I seemed to have lost the ability to talk to them.
How big is the Pacific Ocean?
Three years ago, I moved further away. A Pacific Ocean away, to be exact. I was about to start a new journey in Southern California, going to grad school. I was planning on flying alone, but my parents didn’t feel assured that I’d handle a brand new environment in another hemisphere, so they flew with me to this new country, even though I told them, again and again, there was no need. After checking in my apartment near my campus, they checked the environment around my school and were relieved that it was a safe enough neighborhood. They made sure I had everything I needed, and after that, felt it was time to leave.
On our way to the airport, I felt this stuffed feeling in my throat — this is it, they are really leaving. But I didn’t say anything. At the airport, they told me to take care of myself and stay safe, for the hundredth time. I suppressed my urge to utter the words I’m a 24 year-old adult. I just nodded and said to them, “I will.” We didn’t talk much even in moment like that. I watched them walking towards the checkpoint, wishing I could accompany them to translate for them. I saw my father waving his arm towards me in the line, and he mouthed the words which I assumed to be it’s fine, just go back. I felt a rush of tears trying to come out of my eyes after ‘hearing’ his words. I didn’t want them to see me crying, so I quickly waved back and turned around. If only they would just hug me and talk to me more. Why couldn’t they do that, I wonder.
I went to class, graduated, and got a job in California. I’d FaceTime my parents from time to time, but usually our conversations wouldn’t last more than 10 minutes. I wanted to share with them the ups and downs I was experiencing, but then I thought, they wouldn’t understand. So I always ended up not telling them many things that happened in my life.
Nothing really changed until my current boyfriend came to my life.
Learning how to communicate at the age of 27
March 2020, I met my boyfriend on Hinge. In May 2020, he asked me if I would like to meet his parents.
What? That fast?
I couldn’t even properly talk to my own parents, our phone calls rarely lasted more than 5 minutes, how am I going to deal with his parents? It’s going to be super awkward! What if I don’t understand what they are saying?
Those were the thoughts that were roaring in my mind.
My boyfriend assured me it’s going to be fine, and we actually had to stay in their yard and talk to them with at least 20 feet between us and them — to follow social distancing at the beginning of the pandemic. I thought, oh, then maybe it’s not that bad, since I will be so far away from them.
On a Saturday, we drove down to meet his parents in their backyard. I felt so nervous on our way, and as an over-thinker, I must’ve gone through dozens of scenarios in which the conversation between me and his parents would end up in silence in my head.
When we went inside their yard, their huge black German shepherd dashed to us and greeted me first, and I felt a chunk of soft fur rubbing my legs, which immediately warmed my heart and relaxed me a little. His parents then came out, with big smile on their face, and threw us their remote hugs. They looked super excited that we were there. We started our conversation with them learning how to pronounce my name correctly. My boyfriend hadn’t met his parents for quite a while, so mostly it was him and them talking and I listened, but they would try to include me in the conversation without being too deliberate.
Most of the time I was observing them, how they conversed, and how they managed to keep the conversation going.
Why such scene didn’t happen for me and my own parents?
What’s their secret sauce?
How can I feel closer to my parents?
These questions popped up in my head —
“I’m tired, can I take a nap?” my boyfriend’s question obtruded into my thoughts.
“Of course! Do you want a blanket?” his mom asked.
He said no, and went to lay down on a deck chair in the yard. I panicked, thinking how can he abandon me! How do I deal with his parents? I activated my battle mode, trying hard to think of topics to talk about in case there was awkward pause.
I tried to act natural, and started to throw my questions to them every now and then. Thankfully, they successfully turned those answers into conversations. Whew! I survived that one hour —
But hang on. If I can do this with my boyfriend’s parents, who I just met for 1 hour, why couldn’t I do the same with my parents?
I couldn’t stop thinking about that question.
This was my fault
After that, I had more chances to hang out with my boyfriend’s family. As a lifelong learner, I tried to learn from them by observing and listening. I grew to be less scared of those meet-ups that only included pure conversations with everyone sitting in the living room. And the more I engaged, the more I reflected on my behaviors when interacting with my parents, the more clear the answer was to me.
I realized how I unfairly blamed them for not trying while I did not even bother to make an effort to share what was going on with my life.
I felt ashamed that I wasn’t even willing to think of topics to communicate with my own parents. And I remember how I tried to keep everything to myself, and trying to get information out of me must’ve felt like squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Finally, I learned that the ingredients that’ll bind my parents and me together are the willingness to open up and make efforts to communicate. Yes, I AM far far away from my parents, but no, I don’t think it’s too late. And I can start by having longer FaceTime chat with them now :).
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